I’m huge on “anniversaries” – whenever big things happen in my life, I reflect on them a year later, and the year after that, and the year after that . I used to joke with my boss on the “anniversary” of her and I meeting, of my first day on the job, etc. So, this is a big anniversary post, and I’m very much reflecting on the past year tonight.
I will apologize in advance for this long story, and a post fairly devoid of my usual spunk – I feel like it’s one of those stories you start telling and then realize way deep into the story that it’s way too long and the person listening doesn’t care – but, I want to document it for myself, so here it is.
If you want the Cliff’s Notes version – a year ago today (3/7), I found out I was pregnant with Ben. If you want the full version, read on! (I will reward you for getting through the nearly picture-less beginning, with some photos at the end!)
ANYWAY, a year ago today, I saw this:
Well, technically this isn’t the first test I took – it was the last, and the darkest (and therefore, the best one for the picture!).
And a few days after that test, I had these:
The first test I took, on 3.7.11, is on the bottom, and they progress up from there… clearly I wanted to be SURE!
March 7, 2011 was a Monday, and the earliest I wanted to take a pregnancy test, at 11 DPO (oh yes, I was charting, and analyzing that dang chart every free waking second I had!). I wasn’t even late at that point, and I was totally expecting my baby hopes to be crushed the next day. Maybe it’s just me, but when TTC and you get to that point in your cycle – well, the thoughts completely consume you. I did 0% work at my job that day.
Throughout that day, I was increasingly upset - I had convinced myself that I wasn’t pregnant, and I felt so discouraged. We hadn’t been TTC for that long, but the 6 months/4 cycles seemed like forever and I felt like it was never going to happen. The previous cycle, I had a very early miscarriage, which of course made me worry that I had some terrible fertility problem and that we would end up with multiple MCs and end up on rounds and rounds of IVF at some point in the distant future.
As a side note/disclaimer, you may find it strange that I get upset when people tell others about the MC, and here I am, sharing it with strangers on the internet – but, I feel like it’s my story to share, and I should be the one who decides when/where/how to share it, if that makes sense at all. I also feel like this happens to soooo many women, and yet very few people talk about it publicly – it helped me a lot to know I wasn’t alone in the experience.
But I digress…
My mom and I met after work and go for a Costco date of shopping and dinner (you know I love me some Costco hot dogs!). I did my best to hold it together, but all I wanted to do was go home and cry. The minute I got in my car and started driving home, I burst into tears – like full-on, ugly face sobs, for the entire. way. home.
Despite the fact that I was convinced this was another failed cycle, I took a pregnancy test when I got home. It came up a very, very faint positive. I’d done a lot of reading on faint positives, and a positive is a positive, no matter how faint, BUT, with the miscarriage cycle, the tests were all faint positives. Seeing the faint positive was like PTSD – I was thinking, “I can’t handle going through this again!” Everything felt exactly like it did with the MC, so I was convinced things would go wrong. I told Derek, made myself a hot chocolate with a shot of peppermint schnapps and went to bed. Yes, I was so convinced of this all going sour, that I had a drink after a positive test. Oops.
I took another test the next day, and the day after that, and kept taking them until I accumulated the massive pile pictured above. I had some of the same symptoms that I did with the MC, so I went to my OB and barely showed a positive on their not-sensitive-at-all test (seriously people, don’t waste your time with their garbage tests – get yourself a First Response, or twelve, and call it a day). Anyway, this meant bloodwork for beta testing on Thursday, then a follow up test on Saturday, just like with the MC.
Everything seemed so fragile, so precarious – I was terrified, rather than happy. As the days passed uneventfully, my beta doubled, my nervousness waned, and excitement grew. I finally felt comfortable enough to enjoy this amazing experience! And enjoy it, I did – best time of my life, aside from now.
It seems like this all happened years ago – I can’t believe it’s only been a year. And a pretty crazy year at that – pregnancy:
17 weeks, and one of the few belly pictures we have!
madness at work (no pic needed!), family vacation with my parents:
Hoover Dam, @ 8 weeks.
a tornado, an earthquake, a hurricane
my SIL’s wedding AND a simultaneous October blizzard/nor-easter (with no power for 8 days, while 37 weeks pregnant)
Bless her soul for picking the best possible bridesmaid dress for a ginormous pregnant person…
and then finally, this adorable little munchkin:
Yeah, my baby was born with a tan – for real.
Who now is quite the big boy, and 16 weeks old today, 4 months old next week… HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!
So, if you’re still reading, thank you for listening :-) It has been one amazing year!