Well isn’t this a bright and cheery topic for this week’s Mommy Confessions?
So given that I’m about to leave Benjamin overnight, for the first time ever, for multiple nights, across country, it goes without saying that I’m
sh**ing my pants freaking out. Yes, he’ll be safely with my parents, but I’m terrified. My heart hurts when I leave him for a few hours, let alone days.
Ever since Ben was born, I developed a superstrong, sometimes insane, sometimes debilitating, DEATH COMPLEX. As in, I think some tragedy is about to befall me at any given moment, leaving Benjamin without his loving mother to make sure he eats a balanced diet of organic foods, doesn’t wear pajamas with flame retardants, allows him to play with pink toys if he wants to, and gets plenty of hugs and kisses all day long, among many other important things.
My death complex has slightly improved over the past few months, but it’s still ever-present. Sometimes I’ll be driving, and I imagine a truck crashing into my car, killing me instantly. Other times, I imagine a crazed gunman running into the grocery store and shooting me down. Occasionally I worry that a piece of space debris will pass through the atmosphere and hit me.
And now, I’m about to get on a plane, with my husband, away from my baby. I was adamant that Derek and I take separate planes, just in case. He thought that was absurd, and refused to oblige. So I’m having a mini-panic-attack-heart-attack-aneurysm-meltdown that our plane will crash and Benjamin will be an orphan. Okay. now I’m crying.
On my task list this week? Writing my last will and testament. We have the actual legal stuff worked out, but I feel compelled to write out all kinds of miscellaneous information about how I’d like Benjamin to be raised (see above notes on organic living, non-flame-retardant pajamas, etc.), what I think is important in terms of child-rearing, and locations of all my camera memory cards, important computer files, etc. I’m also kind of itching to write Benjamin a letter. You know. Just in case.
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